The demons within… or choose your battles carefully
January 9, 2012
Yesterday, mid-afternoon, I found myself unable to shake a frightening picture from my mind. It was of me standing in the kitchen late last night, scarfing down the last remnants of a box of Heavenly Hash ice cream. In my not-so-distant past, this sort of midnight experience was not uncommon. Lately, though, ice cream is a conquered foe. I go for months without being tempted… until yesterday. Strange visitor this craving, out of nowhere. Distracting myself, I took a walk in the park with the girls and the dog. It was of no use. Pushed a few weights around. Turned my head and it was still there. Watched a little golf, but the anticipation of failure at midnight kept creeping into my head. Power snooze behind me, the threat of a late night loss of willpower remained firmly in place. Since summer, I've shed almost 35 pounds and I'll be damned if midnight snacking is going to ruin that.
True to form, I addressed the threat head on, and the analytic in me broke it down. Where did the threat come from? Why and why now? Who's to blame? How to avoid failure? In the end, analysis complete, the answer was astonishingly simple. I marched straight into the kitchen, faced my fear, and removed any possibility of ice cream at midnight.
Now and again, I find myself haunted by such images. No matter what distractions I toss in front, these nagging apparitions always find a way to reach in and take hold of my cerebral cinema screen. As a child, the regular culprits were snakes slithering out from underneath the bed… or rats emerging from soapy bathwater… that one actually happened to me so, when Michael Jackson recorded Ben in 1972, I wasn't singing along. During the teen years, my recurring dream was of arriving at school, hearing the opening bells, and realizing that I was naked. Having entirely skipped the homework part of high school, this last dream of being unprepared is not hard to understand.
The interpretation of dreams is a fascinating subject, one not to be dismissed lightly. Both in the understanding and in our response lies much potential value. If we accept that our dream times are merely creative recycling of wake time experiences, there's much to be said for related study.
In the case of recurring dreams, only through a well-structured, thoroughly considered response can we protect ourselves from certifiable rubber room classification. Very young, I learned to check underneath with a flashlight before bedding down for the night. I don't do swamps, and I always find a reason to leave the room during the cavern scene from Raiders of the Lost Ark. I've also made it a point to never again… and I mean never… reach into soapy bathwater to pull the plug.
I no longer dream of rats and snakes, I think, because I've addressed and sufficiently responded to the other dream… of being unprepared. Don't get me wrong. I see rats and snakes all the time, but there's no need to dream about them. They're all around us, make no mistake of it. Here's the thing, though. When you've done everything you can and must do to prepare for what may come, there's no reason to lose good sleep. Do what you can and forget about the rest.
While I cannot say that I am a very religious person, I do find good guidance in the opening lines of The Serenity Prayer:
God grant me the serenity
to accept the things I cannot change;
courage to change the things I can;
and wisdom to know the difference.
Our external world is plagued by rats and snakes. This is beyond my control. From them, I can only turn and walk away, as I should and must. At the same time, I am able to guard and tend the lamp of truth. Rats and snakes are terribly afraid of this lamp, preferring the darkness of the shadows.
These outside perpetrators know our greatest points of weakness, the first of which is a darkness within us. What we don't know, what we imagine, what we fear… these are their greatest weapons against us. Leaping with delight at every new dancing shadow, they prey upon us, hoping to wrestle free another uncertain coin from our pocket.
This lamp is not easily tended. It demands much and regular diligence. Failure in this diligence will be costly for certain. Of rats and snakes and other demons of the world, I can do nothing. They will go about their business without regard for me. All I can do… and should do… and must do… is tend to my own business. As the saying goes, take care of your nickels and dimes. The dollars will take care of themselves. By contending with my own rats and snakes and ice cream boxes and other internal demons, some small impact may ultimately be measured elsewhere, too. Seek first to understand, then to be understood.
This is my point. The demons calling for greatest attention reside within us, not 'out there.' I'm a big fan of Mark Twain quotations. Here's one that comes to mind: "I've had thousands of problems in my life, most of which never actually happened." The task, I would argue, is not to do battle with and slay these internal demons, but to understand them as partners, if not friends. Understand and accept them as messengers, as triggers prompting us to explore and to respond.
For me, perhaps the most shadowy of demons is that of missing data. What do I not know? I'm missing something but I don't know what it is. What are they thinking? Why are they doing what they're doing? What happens next? How do I best protect my position? This is when the imagination takes over. Imagination is a demon's best friend, transporting us into a place filled with self-doubt. When that happens, the endgame is near.
Of course, Twain would argue: "It ain't what you don't know that gets you into trouble. It's what you know for sure that just ain't so."
Case in point: I'm in the middle of a book called, Thinking, Fast and Slow by Daniel Kahneman. A specialist in rational thought, Kahneman tells of a team he led in the development of a curriculum and textbook on judgment and decision making. As an early part of the exercise, he asked team members to individually estimate how long they expected the project to take to completion. Answers came back ranging between 1½ and 2½ years. Convening the group, they discussed their estimates and he turned to one member of the team who had much experience in observing other such efforts, asking for the 'general case.' The answer was, no less than seven years, and that was for the 60% who actually finished the project. Looking back on this experience, the author finds it stunningly ironic that this group was, to a person, capable of ignoring the general case in favour of their own wishful internal estimates. In the end, the project took eight years to complete. Ironic in that this was a team comprised of specialists in judgment, decision making, and rational thought.
Scepticism about what others claim is healthy, and easy. Self-doubt can be just as healthy when well placed but… not so easy. When it creeps in, I find the best response in the return to analysis. Why do I doubt myself? Why now? What changed? What prompts this demon to rear its ugly head? For the most part, my conclusions come to rest on the need for more information.
Like all demons within, this one's no more than another trigger for corrective action. Gather more data. Test all assumptions. Am I building a theory based on facts or am I merely gathering facts to serve and support my theory? Am I delusional? Do I have the perspicuity (always liked that word) necessary to identify and defeat the perpetrators and to reach the treasure at the end of this puzzle? No, wait! Is there a treasure at the end of this puzzle? Hold on! Is this a puzzle? Will someone please show me to my rubber room?
In the case of Southern Arc's recent news release related to the West Lombok forestry permit, my first reaction was, "oh well…". That's not exactly true. It was actually, "oh" plus another four letter word, then "oh well." What happened next is what really matters. What happened next is the point of this entire rambling rant. Back to the kitchen table with a pad and a pencil. Sketching out what I knew, what I didn't know, and how I could possibly explain the gaps between the two. Knowing what I know, what on Earth could explain this news? Who did what and to whom and why? What are the ramifications? What stands behind the Company's thinking in this clearly defensive move? No, wait? Test that assumption. Is this a defensive move? Hmmm… hmmm… hmmm… Let's consider that notion. Again, hmmm…
More information. I need more information. Let's have another listen to the September 22nd discussion. Done, and worth doing, I should say. Much is there. I make a point of not telling people what to do with their money. On the expenditure of time, however, I'm not so shy. Turn off your TV and listen to the linked discussion if you seek peace in your Southern Arc investment. If you've not yet done so, shame be upon you. I can offer no comfort and care not to try. If you have done so, please be encouraged to do it again. Much is there.
Back to the kitchen table. What do I know? What do I see? Who are the players and what do THEY see? Who ARE the players? What have they done that may tell me more about what they see? In the absence of prevarication, there can be no inconsistencies. Why, then, do so many veils obscure my view? Why the mystery? How to reconcile?
Answer these questions and you may find peace with your position in this Company. My own answers leave me only with a smile on my face. What we're witnessing is a chess game being played at the highest levels. As the pieces manoeuvre their way toward control of the centre board, what's just happened is called a King-side castle.
Seek first to understand… and then choose your battles carefully. With my box of Heavenly Hash, I opted to sacrifice one for the greater good (that's my story and I'm sticking to it). As for the West Lombok forestry permit, I anticipate a much different outcome. Intriguing, indeed.
Flashlight anyone?
May you have much perp-spicuity in 2012… both external and internal… and the wisdom to know the difference.
Honey, there's a good show playing. Where'd you put the low-fat popcorn?
Best,
Kevin Graham